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FUnKi_mUnKi_89
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Name: laura
Birthday: 7/11/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: music, poetry, astrology, food, justice, life around us.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/2/2003
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| Well its a little late, but i figured id review 2011.
I'm happy as ever, don't get me wrong, but this year had some rough patches. Usually when i reflect on my year i only remember the good stuff... and any bad stuff that i do remember is stuff that i feel only made me stronger. No, this year definitely had some events that were just plain sad. My mom had to see someone else's child pass away in her arms. Later that year we all mourned the loss of a baby that never was. That was a hard day. And ironically in the same month, one of my friends in a weird way mourned the loss of a baby that would never be because it was never wanted. None of these stories have happy endings. I didn't learn anything except that its unfair for little babies to die, and its sad when they never get a chance to live in the first place. Although oddly enough, i have strong and unique memories after each of these events. When tragedies happen families and loved ones come together. And get fucked up? Its hard to laugh and weird to have any pleasant memories attached to these events, but when my mom came to albany after that tragedy, me and her and my sister drank a bottle of dragonberry and laughed so hard we almost peed over a game of trivial pursuit. I think sometimes you just need to remember how to smile, even if you need some booze to help you do it. The point is after each of these things happened i remember rushing to the person in need and being there for probably some of the first times they laughed since experiencing the loss. I love them all so much, and if i had it my way none of that would have happened this year, but i guess if i have to derive some value from the passing of these events, it would be that i got to be there for the people i love, and that we were all able to survive and get back to normal.
2011 started out with a bang, quite literally, and although it started as one of the scariest moments ive experienced, it turned out to be one of the funniest lol. On new years day in 2011, my mom was fixing the attic door, because it broke when she went up to find my luggage so i could pack for costa rica. I was pulling the door down after she "fixed" it, but the spring snapped and hit her in the head, causing her to bleed from the skull profusely. Now, for a moment i thought it gauged out her eye and i almost shit my pants. When i saw that it was just her head i shit my pants slightly less but was still fucking kind of terrified at the amount of blood literally pouring out of the attic. The turning point of the whole thing was when my mom actually got ANGRY that it wouldnt stop bleeding, upset that she got blood on her pants, and tried to refuse going to the ER because she had to stir the pasta sauce and my dad had to make the mashed potatoes. Then we got to laugh at her a little haha because she is a RIDICULOUS WOMAN!!! My dad took her to the ER and while they were gone vanessa and i were in charge of making dinner..... big mistake lol. The bread did NOT rise, and the water boiled right out of the pot of potatoes, causing them to burn.... i just remember wondering how the fuck we messed up tasks that always look so easy to our parents lol. (just a side note: prior to 2011 i had never seen a head injury in my life.... in 2011, i saw two! they bleed a lot, but usually aren't as bad as they look i guess. The second was at work when a restraint went wrong and a staff accidentally hit the kids head on a dresser. I got to sit in the ER with the kid. Poor kid was in pain. Poor staff felt really guilty and had to be investigated. Accidents happen, im just glad the kid was alright.
Then there was Costa Rica, the most rewarding and painful experience of my life. Rewarding because we got to help innocent animals survive in a world that is no longer so kind to them, and we got to help researchers to learn more about them by recording data. Rewarding because i learned how to tag a sea turtle, and almost got run over by a couple lol. Rewarding because I met incredible, inspiring people who care about the world, and breifly lived in a country where people could trust one another, and only cared about being happy. I fell in love with that place, fell in love with the waves and the heat and the rocks and the sky and the sand. I know i havent been a lot of places, but im pretty thoroughly convinced that there is no where else in the world like Playa Ostional.
Painful because there were feelings involved. Romantic feelings. The feeling of having the rug pulled right out from under you. 2011 was the year that I changed, and it had a lot to do with what happened in Costa Rica. When i saw how Charlie and Tracey interacted, although he refuses to justify my feelings to this day, it was the first time in my life that i felt JEALOUSY. Now, i thought i had felt jealousy before, but I had no idea what jealousy was. Its like comparing the heartbreak you feel when you're 10 and your crush doesn't like you to the hearbreak you feel when you get dumped by someone you've been with for years and thought you would end up with. The jealousy i knew before then was child's play. What i felt over there was PURE JEALOUSY. I never knew the anguish it could cause. It reminded me of the feeling of guilt. I've felt guilt a lot in my life, whether it was justified or not. Most of it had to do with random fights me and steve got into. But regardless, when i felt guilty, the feeling was so unbearable i wanted to fucking crawl up in a ball and bury myself underground. It made me want to hurt myself, it made me want to explode. I literally couldnt fucking stand it. The jealous feelings i felt, where JUST AS BAD. I remember wanting to run into the ocean and just not have to know what was happening. I remember when i basically tried to do exactly that... I saw the two of them walk off to watch the sun set, and i ran... completely irrationally- i just showered, it was dinner time in 5 minutes, and everyone saw me cry, but i didnt care because the only thing that mattered at that moment was getting to the water and letting it come over me. I collapsed in the sand and let the water come up to my waist, just sobbing on my own, until a man who spoke very little english comforted me and made me feel special again. Anyway, I did more beautiful and exciting things in costa rica than some people have ever done and i will never forget any of it. But i will always remember feeling more pain than i ever felt before.
I changed. After Charlie, I changed. I realized love is a fucking terrible thing. I realized giving your heart to someone is the fucking stupidest thing you could ever do. I realized that life is a paradox, because if you're ever going to feel happy and fulfilled, you usually need someone you're in love with to fall in love with you, but if you do that, you are likely to feel more pain than you even know what to do with. Im done being rejected. Im done being underappreciated. Im done doing more for someone else than they would ever do for me. Im done with it all. And that makes me sad and it makes me lonely but id rather be lonely than heartbroken again.
Well, its only fair to touch on the high points of the year!!
2 words: SPRING BREAK!!!! it was the greatest EVER!! cross country road trip ending at coachella?? there were only positive things to be said about that trip- with the exception of the stress it caused planning it lol. and the fact that we didnt have more time. It was such an amazing adventure, driving across the country, barely knowing what state you're gunna land in next. seeing the mountains in arizona and new mexico! seeing the grand canyon! seeing joshua tree park! and the cadillac graveyard in amarillo! and chilling in denver, chilling in chicago... so sweet :). the view was amazing, and somehow, i didnt get tired of being in the car, even after two weeks. I also happened to go with two incredibly awesome people who were so chill and made the trip a blast. I met Andrew McMahon and Jimmy Eat World!! I saw so much sick artwork and flashing lights everywhere, and creative beautiful friendly people everywhere you turn!! The music was constant and it was amazing! what a beautiful three days, and a beautiful couple weeks in general seeing the sights of the USA and all the beauty it has to offer. It was majestic and magical :)
Also, getting a job at Parsons and getting to become part of the Wasson family :) The job is challenging and sometimes exhausting but my co workers are so fucking cool, and the kids are affectionate and loveable when they aren't cursing you out or trying to kill you lolol. Its the perfect job for me right now... its flexible, exciting, fun, and meaningful all at once. Im gunna miss it when im gone.
OH YEAH!!! i almost forgot... I FUCKING GRADUATED COLLEGE MAN!!!! Even though it didnt really feel like it because i was back in class 2 weeks later lol but i did it! i really did it! with a 3.89 GPA... I mean that makes me sound freaking smart!! I really dont think im actually that smart but i sure sound it dont I? I was on the deans list every semester and i graduated summa cum laude. I kicked college's ass haha. And now im kicking grad school's ass :P
And despite the heartbreak that happened in costa rica, it was SUCH A FUCKING HIGH POINT!!! I went ziplining, I climbed a waterfall, and i saw a leatherback turtle, an endangered species... theres only 9 of them that come to playa ostional, and i was the one to catch her eggs in a bag and help bury them in safer sand so they can survive. I met Flory, my Tica mama, who was so warm and welcoming and strong and beautiful, and Josef, my Tico hermano who was hilarious and sweet and generous. I loved that family so much, I wish i spent more time with them!! They are amazing and have a piece of my heart, just like Monica and Byron in Ecuador <3 What a beautiful, breathtaking place...
I sang my last show with serendipity in 2011... that was a sad but beautiful moment, and i couldnt have asked for a better group of girls to share it with. We as a sisterhood have grown and evolved and changed more times than i can remember, but somehow, the 12 girls i shared the stage with on that last night were all beautiful inside and out, and i love each and every single one of them. Especially Dayna, Caitlyn, and Laine, who shared my sentiments that night- my senior sisters <3 and i left them with my proudest arrangement, wonderwall. We placed 4th at ICCA, which may not sound like an accomplishment, but after coming in basically last every time we competed, 4th out of 10 is pretty hott.
I moved into Cat Town!!! living with these psycho people makes me feel happy everyday :) I will never get to live like this again, where every day is like a party and you get to be around so many friends you love just by walking into your house. I try to cherish every moment because i know that this year of living with these people is going to be one of the best of my life... its certainly turning out that way so far :)
Also, Vanessa got engaged in October!! that was definitley one of the most exciting moments of the year :) Im so happy for her and cant wait till the wedding!!!
looking forward to 2012:
Theres so many exciting things in store this coming year!!! Im determined to make it to africa this summer! most likely with the school of social welfare to ghana and south africa, but also hopefully to Kilimanjaro to hike the sickest hike ever!! Im just so looking forward to traveling and learning about Africa :)
Im going to be getting my MSW!!! And also hopefully my license (LMSW), and also hopefully my first real job as an [almost] real adult, with a real salary!! Lord only knows where that journey will take me... but at least ill never have to write another fucking paper!!!
Vanessa's wedding!!! its going to be my first time in someone's bridal party, and the first wedding of someone in my immediate family (shawn doesnt count because i dont know him that well and he lives in virginia and he wasnt the bride so its not as special as when you know the bride!!) Im so looking forward to that day, watching my sister get married, and seeing what it actually looks like when love has a happy ending. Or a happy beginning depending on how you look at it.
And there's something else that i may be looking forward to but im not going to say it yet! gahhhhhh ill wait until its official official.... :)
Im thinking its time to get back in shape as well... if we look at my patterns of getting fat and skinny, im about due for a skinny year lolol its getting to that point. The other day before i went to the bar i spent like 20 minutes berating myself in the mirror for being fat and ugly. I realized its time to fucking get in shape so i dont start hating myself. Regardless, if im going to conquer kilimanjaro, i need to be doing at least 10ks by then, preferably 10ks that are entirely uphill!! I need to be fucking fit as hell to achieve this thing.... once it gets warm outside, WATCH OUT cuz im a runnin!!!
Moral of the story is, im looking forward to a happy and healthy 2012, and i respectfully say goodbye to 2011 :)
Its been a good one!! | | |
| seems as though everyone abandoned xanga all at once. just as well. realized my frustration with men, and how it's matured since i was a teenager. i used to get so frustrated because i never thought i was pretty enough or good enough. but um... not sure if anyone else is aware... but im cute, and kind of awesome. and now that i know that, no one else seems to notice, and now im getting bored because i have no boy toys to play with. thats frustrating. every time i go out i look fabulous, and yet i dont turn any heads. thats why i always thought i was ugly. but i really dont see ugly when i look in the mirror. its just weird that no one else sees what i see. i see cute and fun, but i must come off as pretty ordinary. lame. whatever, someday they'll catch on, then i can play all the games i want. thats another thing. i finally realized everything is a game. meaningful relationships are the exception to the rule and not the rule itself. so i dont have high standards or anything because i know how much everyone sucks, and im pretty much never expecting to actually "fall in love" whatever that means. so now that im all prepped and ready to play with a heart made of stone that can never break again, no one is paying attention. its some bullshit. i have to keep reminding myself how awesome i am because going to bars makes it so easy to forget. ew. i hate that i was ever a romantic. i hope i stay smarter than that. | | |
| havent updated in a while im having a lot of feelings right now... im starting a new life tomorrow when i go back to albany. I have a job interview with Parsons, and its possible that i could get my first job in this field. im scared. i really am. of course i am, everything is changing, and after this year the possibilities are endless. ENDLESS. that is very scary. Im gunna be a graduate student and i have no idea what that means. i dont know what this is going to be like. im glad i at least have a plan but so far its all a mystery so yes its scary. And ill be honest about something... even though ive sworn off having a love life right now, and possibly ever again, i cant stay away from the male population, even though the male population has no problem staying away from me. Kevin was an almost... i really thought i'd at least get to hang out with him but with 2 canceled dates and then me being in SI for 2 weeks, and not having any real contact with him... it feels like the universe is telling me it wasn't meant to be. John was a brief almost, for the third time, but this time im stronger. I wasnt going to fall for his charm or his sweetness or the fact that he and i have just about everything in common. because i know better now, i know he never felt the same about me as i did about him because he never considered what we had serious enough to have the courtesy to let me know when he was going to start dating someone new and cease all contact with me until that relationship failed. He was using me. as a rebound. and i think he wanted to do it again. and i think i wanted to let him, because equipped with my newfound confidence and my knowledge of his lack of emotional connection with me, i thought i would be invincible to heartbreak from him... i could have gone on a few dates, had some good conversation, made out a little, had some fun with someone who knew how to kiss me real good. But on the other hand, equipped with my newfound confidence, i cannot allow myself to chase someone who will never go out of their way to make the first move. maybe asking kevin out was a mistake. im pretty sure it definitely was. here i am, a girl sick and tired of chasing men, saying i wont be bothered with a man who doesnt appreciate how awesome i am, and yet, i asked him out first, blatantly chasing after him. I guess i just thought that if i gave the initial push, put the initial thought in his head, and made a little effort, that maybe he would make a mutual effort. Didnt have to put in MORE effort than me, i just didnt want it to be LESS. But it didnt really happen that way. I could text him right now and tell him ill be back in albany tomorrow, that i wanna meet up, but i just dont want to be in a position where i have less power than the person i date. i never bought into the whole power trip thing. i always believed that when people date each other, they should each have an equal amount of power, so i never went out of my way to hold on to any power. However, i found in the past that my lack of making an effort to hold on to power left me with NONE. ZERO. Now im starting to realize what these games that people play are really about. I don't want a man who's powerless, but if i lay out all my naive romantic instincts on the table, i'll only leave myself powerless and THAT will never happen again. It happened twice in a row and i feel like i lost a part of myself in that battle. i do not care to find out what more i stand to lose. I will be appreciated. I will be sought after. Don't get me wrong, I will NOT fall for anyone. but damn, i get bored. i like dating. its fun! there's nothing wrong with that. And to be very blunt, i like sex. i miss it, and refuse to have it with anyone who will make it a mediocre experience for me. And if someone doesnt have the respect to listen to me when i speak, or the desire to understand a little bit about who i am and why i am that way... if they don't have the receptiveness or sensitivity to understand my language (verbal and body language that is)... and if they don't understand just from knowing me a little bit that i am someone who is special and interesting as well as beautiful in my own way... then i wouldnt ever bother with a sexual relationship. Those are the qualities that make someone good in bed. receptiveness, sensitivity, interest, respect... why fool around with someone who doesn't display all of these characteristics? it just wouldnt be good. not good enough for me. February 14th 2010 was the first time in my life i was treated like a queen. Even though "prince charming" basically threw me away and stomped all over my heart, ill never forget the feeling i felt that day, the feeling that i deserve respect and appreciation, and now i just dont want to settle for anything less. so im in a romantic pickle. I want the fun of dating, romance and sex. But i literally hate the idea of belonging to someone. it literally gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think about having real genuine feelings for someone. ive been there, it just doesnt work. it sucks. it sucks hard, and the only thing that doesnt suck about it is the lessons you learn from it. Well ive had just about enough lessons so im in no need of love. however, the moment someone comes walzing into my life, meeting all the criteria i have for an intimate partner... will i inevitably fall for them? im building these walls, but having walls up is a new thing for me. Ive literally never tried to keep anyone out of my heart before. So the question is, is it this easy? will my simple desire to stay free and true to myself and avoid pain be enough to keep someone from getting in? i literally don't know how this shit works. So its easier if i never text john or kevin again. its easier if i dont chase after ray's hott friend gabe, even though he's incredibly hott, and also funny with a philosophical side. Because then im just asking for it. Im just asking to be disappointed. Maybe if i just let them come to me... if i make myself a rule that i'll only date guys that will chase after me, that will text me, that will ask me to go out, and make the plans.... i'd be safer. I would stay in a position of power. I would have the power to start or end things at any point. they'd have to go by my signal, not the other way around. i'd feel appreciated, and not pathetic like i have recently, chasing after someone who probably isn't all that worth the risk. Only problem with that little theory is that for some reason beyond my understanding, the male population seems to have a hard time realizing how awesome i am. They seem to be under the impression that im pretty average, maybe a dime a dozen kind of girl. I'm gunna have to disagree on that one. I may not have had the most interesting life in the world, but i have a good heart, an adventurous spirit, a sense of humor, and a variety of fascinating interests and talents. i mean, I'd fuck me  lol. well, then theres the other issue. maybe there is one particular guy out there who seems to see and understand my awesomeness. And maybe he's pretty freaking awesome too, but maybe i just can't do this with him. Date him or anything. Maybe we're just too damn good of friends already! and i know im just going to hurt him because i dont reciprocate those feelings. and maybe everything is complicated by the fact that we'll be under the same roof this year. So i guess maybe i shouldnt shit on the male population for not appreciating me. cuz go figure, the moment someone starts to appreciate me, i run the fuck away from it. especially if he doesnt fit these "dream guy" criteria. Even if he makes me laugh and listens to me when im being crazy and makes me feel better after a stressful day. If im being completely honest, and im only being completely honest because i dont think anyone reads xanga anymore, theres a part of me that hopes ill come around one day, turn around, and have all these feelings for him, and just want to be with him. but i dont have those feelings now. i dont feel drawn to him or excited by him in that way. even though im drawn to him in SOME way that i cant really identify. Maybe its just more fun for me to dream about meeting someone that can knock my socks off in bed, appreciate me, intrigue me, and then go off somewhere else so i dont have to deal with the consequences of intimacy, somewhere where i can just dream about what once was and go on with my life, looking for the next thrill. Its more fun to think that there are a million disposable "mr. perfects" out there than it is to accept a good man with all of his flaws. im just all kinds of fucked up in romance. thank you for that charlie, really, its fucking great feeling this confused about romance. back in the day i used to sit there and daydream about having a boyfriend, someone to love me, and man, it was lonely and it was sad and it felt impossible, and ultimately it sort of was in the end.... but at least back then i KNEW what the fuck it was that i was looking for, and what it was that i wanted. now i dont know if i ever want to settle down. i literally dont know if i do or dont. and im terrified of everything and everyone a little bit. and my impulses change from day to day. tomorrow i might lose my willpower and ask kevin if he'll go out with me still. and i just dont know. everything is so uncertain right now. even school and work and everything in albany. i feel like my whole life is up in the air and the only thing that feels grounded is myself. i at least know who i am and feel good about it. i finally love myself. i finally understand some things a little better. but now love, something i was always certain about, is a complete and utter mystery to me. its so funny how everything can turn around so fast. shit, if you dont believe me, look at how i used to write in 2004, when i started writing in this blog. its like two completely different people, you would never believe it was just a younger version of me. man life is so crazy. i feel okay, im not depressed or anything like that about it, just hella confused right now. its a weird kind of feeling. like i accept things the way they are, but im still so confused and lost and floating around. its just what it is. but it feels good in a way. because as long as there are questions to be asked in life, there is a reason to keep on living, there is something to strive for. the uncertainty makes me feel alive. maybe its better than being sure of it all. | | |
| I realized today that part of me has died so that another part can live and thrive more than ever before. R.I.P romantic Laura.... but also... Welcome to living- adventurous, free, confident Laura So glad to finally know you :) Thank you heartbreak, years of heartbreak, endless heartbreak, for showing me at last what it means to truly be happy. <3 | | |
| im sooo happy to be home... i still havent seen everyone i wanna see though, had to babysit and also have a family dinner and such, but still its nice to sleep in my bed at home and just relax for a while. workin out the kinks of the coachella road trip adventure :) i hate the fact that im blowing all my money on this trip.... but at the same time, when i think about not going on this trip, it makes me extremely sad. I just cant not go. this is once in a lifetime. its happening NOW. i had a good valentines day this year. it was the first time it was really truly free of spite. except for last year of course, but we dont wanna talk about prince FUCKING charming who destroyed my entire romantic spirit, now do we? seriously, the thought of being in a relationship, or ever being in love again makes me fucking angry and sick to my stomach. DEAR PRINCE CHARMNG, WHOEVER YOU ARE: I HOPE YOU DRIVE YOUR WHITE FUCKING STALLION OFF OF A FUCKING CLIFF AND DIE IN A BLOODY PULP WHILE I SIT THERE LAUGHING AT YOUR DUMB ASS. thanks for that charlie, that anger is YOUR fault. Still upset over him obviously. but im not upset in general, which is an improvement from the way i felt a couple weeks ago. the vagina monologues went great and i was very excited to see an awesome pic of myself in the ASP (school paper). I met some great people and had a great time. its just a shame it was over so quick. ICCA was also AMAZING. We placed 4th out of 8, and i know that doesnt sound like much of an accomplishment, but honestly, for a girl group to beat out 4 mixed and male groups (which inherently do better) is pretty impressive. whats MORE impressive is the fact that the groups we beat were fucking GOOD! we went into this ICCA with a mindset that we would probably come in close to last, if not last, so we were just looking to kick back, watch some good a capella, and then get some feedback on how to improve. we watched those other groups thinking wowww theyre blowing us out of the water. but they didnt! i think we're just so used to what our skill level USED to be, and we havent really fully realized how much better we've gotten. The judges, who are notorius for ripping us to shreds, only had good things to say about us. the few things they did criticize were pretty minor and they were problems we knew we could work on. We scored pretty high, and were actually not very far behind the group that placed 3rd. all in all it was amazing and i couldnt love these girls more. ive been music obsessed the past couple days. recorded a few more tracks w/ joe last night and worked on wonderwall quite a bit. that arrangement is gunna be a BITCH to learn, but its gunna be GREAT when we do :) k thats all for now i think. laterr | | |
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